Ian's Journal

Something So Worthless
So, we only think of you when you are not at home.
Maybe it's human nature.
I'd like to think that i truly care about you,
but all these thoughts may be nothing more than dreams.

And I know it may be wrong of me,
But i love to see you writhing with indecision.
At least i know that you'll never leave.

And you know I'm not the fighting sort
but you'll always drag the wrong words from my lips.
It's never as easy as anyone has ever said.
I never though it would ever be this hard.

Fire & Ash
Our matchstick bodies give way
under the slightest pressure.
We're running out of splinters
to fill the gaps in conversation.
In one movement,
our bodies will catch fire.

No Spark, No Fire
Ashes are all we want to be.
Let's have the evidence
that we were ever one fire.

Tiny Heart Attacks
I'm so tired of all these tiny portions,
but I know that the amount will never satisfy.
All of these tiny heart attacks are
taking my life away one beat at a time.

So, lets catch the little foxes.
Taken them away from all these fields
& lets just block ourselves from this world.
It seems much easier that way.

Why do we let our attention fall to these tiny leaks
when the walls are crumbling around us.
We're letting all these tiny things distract us,
while the real problems destroy us.

Honesty (Silence is a HIt)
Often times, I will let myself believe that I am doing everything I can to build you up. In all reality, I am tearing you down with every word that I speak.

We've become good at everything we have taken on. We can cure a thousand problems a day, but the only cure that we really need is honesty.

They say loose lips sink ships. If this is true, then why are we treading water in silence? Maybe you can burst your lungs and let all this silence wither while the words you speak bloom.

Blind Eyes and Head lights
They are laying out 2 choices for us.
We can bend or break.
Breaking seems so easy
But it hints at selfishness.

Understand how terrified I am.
Just because I don’t talk about it
Doesn’t mean that I feel better.
Understand how strained I feel.
Just because the words never pass my lips
Doesn’t mean I’m ever going to be fine again.

I want my heart to break for
The things that make your heart heavy
I heard that you still care
So where does that leave you?

It’s ok if you break.
This is probably more than you can take.
There is nothing more than your life at stake now
So don’t just pretend to be ok.

Not Letting Go
I never know what your thinking.
Could you tell me please what’s on your mind?
Cause I’m waiting here just believing
That you’re coming home one last time
It hurts me so bad to keep breathing
Yeah, I miss you so, so I close my eyes
But for just one more day, I’ll keep singing
Singing along until your mine

I’m not letting go of you
I’m not letting go of you

Feels like your gone, so why am I dreaming?
The hope flows away with the tears in my eyes
It feels like the end, but I still believe
I’m holding on, holding on with my life.

I’m not letting go of you
I’m not letting go of you

I can’t believe that you’re running away
I wish you would hear what I’m dying to say
I never meant to make you cry
So please let me try to love you with all of my life
No, don’t let me die
I’m giving you all of my life

Choose the higher one. I’ll be behind you all the way.
It seems to be an after thought but our shadows stretched for miles.

Play these games so we don’t say what we need to say. Let’s pretend like we are five again so these feelings can’t be alive.

Every time I read your name, I mark out the “A” so I can only see me.
And with every me, I know that there won’t be a you beside it.
Would you cry if I said I didn’t want you with me?

The words don’t come out quite right and all the phrasing is wrong,
But I can’t leave these thoughts alone. Not for tonight

This summer heat radiates
It’s way through autumn.
Why could we not
Hold out for as long?
Sure, it hurts to feel this way
But at least we’re feeling now.

It amazes me that
You never asked me
Why things ended up like this
I’m not trying to pin another
Problem on you darling
I know we both felt that
There was something good

So, lets pack it all up
And let us leave this place
The sunrise can be
The only thing that we see
For miles at a time
Maybe I sound a bit young and naïve
But I am sure we had something good

Less than Beautiful
I thought we could be friends. I just touched your lips they never seem to end. I thought things would be fine. You take what you like as long as it’s not mine again.

I hate to disappoint you. I’m doing fine without you. I am sorry I made you feel less than beautiful. I hate to disappoint you. I’m better off without you. I made you feel less than beautiful.

Why can’t you try to relax? You say what you like but just don’t talk back. Why can’t you hear what I say? You can do what you like as long as it’s my way.

It’s not the time or the place to be up in my face. Oh this won’t go anywhere. It’s not the air that I breathe that will stop what you need so this won’t go anywhere. You can be loved or replaced or stare off into space. This won’t go anywhere.

Current Mood: thankful

Let’s feel this through.

I won’t let go until

I get what I came for.

I’ve only got this picture of you

So, I’ll let these memories keep me warm.

At least tonight, I can say

I felt what I wanted.

So, let’s walk away from all these years.

Maybe all of this space will help.

So, lets walk away from ourselves tonight, tonight.

Magnolias and Moonlight Set the Mood to Breakdown
As i look into the last November sky,
I'll bare my soul for the wind and stars.
They can not console me and
the words i speak will fall on their deaf ears.

I'm hoping the best has swallowed you.
You should sleep once again.
You fear for the reasons this ended.
It was only because of you.

This burning sky will baptize you
and your eyes will be bright when you're through.
I never saw what was inside me
until it was all that i had left.

So maybe you should sleep.
I know it won't come easy.
Maybe you could sleep.
Maybe i should leave...

For My Insecurity
All that i have learned from these nights,
I throw away on moments in the moonlight.
Camera flashes are alive for mere moments
and die away in the same.

5 floors up and the ground is sinking lower.
Around corners come headlights and meaningless glances.

Please don't come crying back to me
when it's all been said before.
Don't come running back to me
when you are lonely.
Please stop longing for my insecurity.

Replace these beating hearts
with steel and broken mirrors.
Make this chest heavy with guilt.
Make reflections show jaded images
of these feelings.

I'm ground level now and the floor seems less stable than it should.
Waiting for the white lights to turn orange so i know when to stop.

In Passing
Our meetings always come in 2's
Weeks and hours all adding
to the confusions.

Our meetings always shed a new
light on what you are in this for.

Nervous to speak with you at all
Never could you be more unassuming.
Caught on film with a smile
How did i get so caught up?

Our smiles come in passing
Living our lives so hurriedly
Letting them go in weeks and hours
Could we slow the world down for awhile?

Hold No Weight
Enter this ancient village
Fill it with all you've learned
Speak with words on fire
Burn away a silent moment

Peer through the cracked stained glass
It's all been hollowed out and broken
Let's hear what you have to say
All you words seem to hold no weight

Please don't react that way
It's so funny versus what we know
It's the ones you hate that always bring you home
You are so scared, afraid of how it might go

Whatever the emotion is
You've seen this all before.
Why won't you learn from these mistakes?
Something was at it's finest.
You left it for this fleeting moment

Are the ashes worth the fire that comes before?

Something so predictable
yet you will never learn.
Not until you are on your own.
he won't know a pain like this again.

It leaves you broken down

Are the ashes worth the fire that comes before?

Unknown Explorer (Lewis and Clark would be proud)
Say anything to hold me still.
Say nothing and leave me hanging.
Never quite got this far in these feelings.
Maybe one day we can explore the past.

Moving my body seems like it takes weeks.
Every inch growing me so much older.
Never got to travel cross-country,
but my body feels as if it has.

Tell me anything that you can.
At least try to make a clever cover story.
I'll do my best to believe you,
although your silence is always welcome.

Moving my body seems to only leave me a broken mess.
Every failure rusts my bones.
Never wanted to go cross-country,
but it seems my body left without me.

Hmmm
So as i sit here and look back over my old entries, i realize alot of the new people on my list may have no idea what i am all about. Well, heck yeahs i am possibly the coolest and by that i mean kinda lamest guy you know. I work at starbucks whoring myself out to as many coffee or coffee alternative consumers as it takes for me to get a decent paycheck. I write alot of stuff in this journal and most of it sucks.

If anyone reads this and wants to ask questions to further their knowledge of me, ask away. It might be weeks before i answer but you will get an answer fo sho.

Maybe i will actually get back to doing real posts.... But don't get any hopes up.

Whispering
SO MANY TIMES I’VE SEEN YOU THERE
CLOSE TO SORROW I CAN SEE YOU SCARED
WONDERIN’ AND CRYIN’ YOU CARRY YOUR TREE
WITH TEARS IN YOUR EYES YOU SAY TO ME
I’M BROKEN

AS I REACH OUT TO PULL YOU FROM
ALL YOU KNOW TO BE TRUE I FEAR AND I RUN
IT’S ALL BEEN FORGOTTEN A DREAM LOST NEVER SEEN
BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET HIS WHISPERING
I’M BROKEN

IT’S ALL OVER ME NOW, SPILT ALL OVER THE GROUND
IT’S ALL OVER ME NOW, SPILT ALL OVER THE GROUND
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO ME

IF I COULD ONLY PULL BACK THE DAY
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT I’D SURELY SAY
OH BUT HIS TIME’S GONE I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE
HIS LIFE WAS STOLEN BECAUSE OF ME
HE’S BROKEN

IT’S ALL OVER ME NOW
SPILT ALL OVER THE GROUND
I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD
WITH MY HANDS ALL COVERED IN RED
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO ME

WHY COULDN’T I, WHY WOULDN’T I REACH OUT
AS HE SLIPS AWAY I CAN HEAR HIM SAY
IT’S A WHISPERING JUST A WHISPERING
IT’S A WHISPERING JUST A WHISPERING
I’M BROKEN

IT’S ALL OVER ME NOW
SPILT ALL OVER THE GROUND
I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD
WITH MY HANDS ALL COVERED IN RED
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO ME

If this is how it ends
Playing the role of the concerned one,
he always seem to care
Playing the role of the reckless youth,
she always seems to end up losing herself
And she always thinks "If nothing more will save me,
i am already dead."

If this is how it ends, please let this life last forever.
If this is how it goes, then don't let me ever move.
If this is all it ever comes to, I am not so sure i will fill the role.

she holds casting calls to fill
the role of the comcerned one,
but everyone waits to see if she will
cast the part of a victim again
And she always finds herself wondering if she is already dead

Air is the Enemy
It's trying to escape his lips.
The frail words can never stand alone.
A cool wind blows through the open window.
It gently blows away the dust collecting on the ledges.

Air is the enemy we fight against.
Waves that will kill in the wind.

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